Curtain-esque style
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That Curtain-esque Style By Alison R.G. van Diggelen It's my guilty pleasure every March. I simply love checking out the fashions at the Oscars. Don't you? There were some gorgeous dresses this year, but as always, some major faux pas. It makes me wonder why they haven't read the style bible, "What not to Wear". Perfect for the style-challenged. What not to wear? Oh, yes my friend, a quick glimpse at this hilarious critique of those who dress like a walking freak show can have you belly laughing, or remind you of some awkward experiences you’d rather bury in a large box marked Goodwill Donations. Although still style challenged, I learned one small style lesson a long time ago in London, from a boss named Mr. Bond. Yes, really. Not James, but David. David Bond,(read this in your best British accent) partner in the international real estate consultants firm, Weatherall, Green and Smith. As a “freshman” in London, I attended a marketing meeting with Bond to discuss a major landmark property. Later that day, he summoned me to his office where I received the dressing down of my fledgling career. From this over-tall, over-thin, but immaculately dressed, bachelor, I got a long tirade about the importance of dressing appropriately. I had never been so humiliated in my life. I looked down at my flowery dress (with a certain curtain-esque style) and beige cropped jacket. (Well, you could say, a cardigan actually…it certainly stretched like a cardigan and boy was it comfortable. Mr. Rogers would have approved.) “Your outfit is more suitable for the home than the office,” he boomed, Bond’s long spindly fingers continually upending the Montblanc fountain pen on his polished desk. I pulled on my frilly collar that had started chaffing my perspiring neck. He coughed and looked out of the window. “Do you understand what I’m saying, Alison?” he asked, but my throat was too constricted to speak. I nodded. “Just look at Emma. Now she dresses like she means business: sharp, conservative, nothing too fussy or frilly. It sends the right message.” I gulped, my eyes began to fill, but I kept them focused on those stick-insect fingers. Finally, I slunk out of there, feeling about the size of a house-fly, crushed flat by the firm sole of Bond’s size 18 black leather brogues. I went home that evening and had a good whine to my wardrobe about it. And then I went shopping. I hit every business clothes clearance rack the length of Oxford Street. Padded shoulders? Of course. Pinstripe? You betcha! It is only shallow people who do NOT judge by appearances, Oscar Wilde so cleverly said. First impressions are certainly powerful. Nowhere more so than a big city. Perhaps Mr. Bond was just helping me out? People say, dress for the job you want, not for the job you have. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons I didn’t last long in the City. I wanted a new job, where no one told me what not to wear. Over ten years, two children and a new continent later, I need these power clothes like a fish needs a bicycle. But getting rid of them is hard. My wardrobe reminds me of the Springsteen song, “56 channels (and nothing on)”. In my crammed collection dating back to (original) flares age, there’s often nothing that’s got it going on for me. I’m so overdue a clear out that I can barely summon the courage to start. When I do, my business attire will be headed to Career Closet (careercloset.org), a local nonprofit providing jobs counseling and business-appropriate clothing to disadvantaged women. Some of those Oscar stars should have consulted with the book "What not to wear". The TV show avowed clever truths such as, · “If you suffer bad ankles and fat calves…then boots were invented for YOU!” · Triple pleated shorts and pants make every body shape look bad. · If a skirt is see-through, but not figure-hugging, opt for big, flesh-colored knickers rather than a thong. · If you are pear-shaped, avoid dainty kitten heels. And my personal favorite: · Either show off your boobs or your bum, never both in one outfit. The style gurus were not afraid to literally (and figuratively) trash a woman’s wardrobe in front of the cameras, and they also came after the men in our lives. Mmmmm. Perhaps I should nominate my old boss, Mr. Bond, if the show returns? I’d just be doing him a favor, right? Alison van Diggelen is editor of siliconmom.com. She is writing this morning in her pajamas and her boss simply has no idea. © siliconmom
