Changing America's Image The Fabulous Way!
Changing America's Image The Fabulous Way By Alison R. G. van Diggelen 2004 will be the year we change our image and endear ourselves to the rest of the world once again. No more macho image, no more “With us or against us” rhetoric, no more presidents swaggering on aircraft carriers. Even the Iraqis hated us for freeing them, the ungrateful lot. In 2004, our administration will reveal its softer side, and win the love and adoration of the world. What’s going to bring about these stunning changes? None other than the Fab Five, NBC’s Queer Eye for the Straight Guy team. This fabulous flock of gay men will transform our administration from macho to mellow, from swashbuckling to smooth and sensual. Bush will nominate “under secretaries” for key staff members. They will learn how to get in touch with their feminine side, walk the walk, dress the dress, and even talk like their fairy godmothers. After three months of intensive training by Jai, the effervescent culture vulture, George Bush will have improved his conversation skills by a long way and be in touch with the eloquence buried within. Carson, the “every-guy-should-have-a-corduroy-jacket-in-his-closet” fashionista, will help Bush to dress flamboyantly, in tasteful purple shirts, charcoal linen pants and “fun belts”. By mid summer, Bush will be a “bonding expert” (diplomatically speaking), and have heartfelt discussions with last year’s archenemy, French Foreign Minister, Dominique de Villepin. Instead of acting unilaterally, Bush will be thinking about the Europeans’ feelings before hiking steel tariffs and imposing quotas on French wine, Italian shoes and authentic fois gras. He will turn to de Villepin in a live press conference and say, “I feel your pain, mon frère.” In September, a TV spin off will launch. Queer Eye for the Macho Guy will feature a startling Donald Rumsfeld makeover. In a candid talk with confidante, Tony Blair, Rumsfeld will shed tears and admit the Iraqi WMD came to him in a dream. As penance, he’ll put on a red and white Polka dot dress and serenade a full assembly of the United Nations with Elton John’s “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.” National Security Adviser, Condi Rice will not escape the Queer Eye treatment just because she’s a woman. She’ll be forced to explore her suppressed feminine side and dress in Laura Ashley floral prints. She’ll be enrolled in a daily needlepoint class and become a part-time Creative Memories consultant. Homeland Security macho man, Tom Ridge, and Attorney General, John Ashcroft will change their names to Tom Thumb and John-boy respectively. They’ll start a Power Yoga class and recite the Bill of Rights as they do Downward Facing Dog, and Salute to the Sun… (and the Constitution). Campaigning is going to get hot and bitchy in the run up to the Presidential election. After focusing on the war to distract attention from domestic ailments in 2003, Republicans will be falling over themselves to shift the spotlight away from it… to the recovering domestic economy. For maximum public attention, a new Federal Department will be established, headed up by the Fab Five. It will produce a prime-time show featuring Shirley Bassey-style song and dance numbers including such classics as… “Hey big spender!” The show will thank consumers for “single-handedly saving the economy” and encourage them to keep maxing out on their credit cards, just like the Fed and State governments. The Grande Finale of Queer Eye for Macho Guy in December will star retiring President George W. Bush…who will spend a week on a desert island with the Fab Five where he will do ballet class and synchro-swimming in a flowery cap for four hours a day and emerge looking like Mick Jagger on steroids. New style trends in 2004 will include big blue rings, gifted by endangered minorities, geeky shoes and thigh-high Ugg boots. The 2004 hit single will be “I want to teach the world to prance!” promoted heavily in a new Pepsi ad, featuring you know who. Fab Five: Thanks for saving our great nation. Oh darlings, the world is gonna LOVE the all-new US! Cheers lads! About the author: Alison R. G. van Diggelen is editor of siliconmom.com. She is a columnist for the San Jose Mercury News and Silicon Valley Biz Ink. Alison welcomes comments at firstname.lastname@example.org © siliconmom