Sad? You're not alone
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Sad? You're not alone By Alison R.G. van Diggelen “Just relax and enjoy them,” my mother said on a recent visit. I was having a particularly trying afternoon with the kids and her comment didn’t help. I wonder if anyone ever said this to Andrea Yates, the former nurse who once had five children under the age of 7. Her shocking story shone a laser beam on the issue of postpartum depression, jolting the world to face the huge chasm between the reality of motherhood and the idyllic version we’re expected to live up to. Our job is harder because we must carry on with the burden of society’s untenable expectations. Modern motherhood has been grabbed by marketing consultants and given a makeover. Surprising they didn’t rename it sainthood. The Hallmark-ization of motherhood is all too apparent in the pink and lacy festival leading up to Mother’s Day, but it permeates our lives all year. As mothers we’re constantly bombarded with the good mother image sold to us in movies, TV, and magazines. It’s easy to become resentful for falling short. A friend of mine suggests motherhood should be renamed guilt-hood, what do you think? I’ve given up reading parenting magazines; they leave me feeling like the mother of all failures. Articles like “Advice for 7 to 9 month olds: Let your baby make a huge mess. It’s great practice for little fingers,” and “Advice to 3&4 year olds: Your reaction to your preschoolers mishaps may be driven by guilt or frustration. Remember this is not about you. Parents need to lay aside their own agendas.” Daily lessons like these in selflessness are bad for your mental health. Let’s face it. Motherhood is not a bowl of soft pink cotton balls. So why do mothers still maintain the “stiff upper lip” of motherhood? With all the cuddling and bonding talk, few people make space for the real truth. The truth of sleepless nights, seas of spit up, crying, colic and endless diaper changes. As Newsweek columnist and real life mother, Anna Quindlen says, “There is no leave to talk about the dark side of being a surrogate deity, omniscient and out of milk all at the same time.” I vividly remember the gentle grandma who peeped at my newborn as I shopped in Safeway one day. She said, “What a darling! You must be overjoyed!” I just nodded. What I wanted to say and we should be free to say is, “No, I feel like a milk factory and have never felt so exhausted and challenged in my life.” But who has the courage? Society’s expectations weigh heavily. It’s a brave new mother who admits that her darling baby in its pristine white babygro and matching sunhat is a raging howler at bedtime. A friend of mine, Gillian, recently suffered postpartum depression. During her second week with her newborn, her doctor said. “It’s just baby blues, you’ll get over it.” She went home and cried even harder. She described to me how she felt: being overwhelmed by every little thing, nervous to be alone with her newborn, unable to make decisions about anything, from what to cook for dinner to which diapers to buy the baby. Every single issue she described made me think, “Yes, I’ve been there.” I too had short glimpses of that desperation, moments when I cried louder than my newborn and felt alone and inept. But for Gillian to top it all, she couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat and found herself in a downward spiral. Finally, she saw another doctor and was given the appropriate medication. She's now doing well and talks about the conspiracy of silence that surrounds motherhood. She's angry that the parenting classes she attended didn't prepare her for what is really involved once the baby is born. At times it seems we haven't progressed much from our mothers' attitude of "you just get on with it.'' But we need to move forward from that attitude. Our generation needs to take responsibility for talking openly with the Gillians of the world. Perhaps we need to look at each other a little more closely, to probe a little more deeply, and make sure we are collectively doing OK. Alison van Diggelen is editor of siliconmom.com. The Postpartum Health Alliance provides a SF Bay Area hotline for free and confidential chats with other mothers who have been there. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, over anxious and need to talk, call 1 888 773 7090. Or go online to www.postpartum.net or www.ppdsupportpage.com © siliconmom
