Operation Headscarf
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Operation Headscarf By Alison van Diggelen Ever since Americans have tasted crème brulee and fois gras, they have had a love-hate relationship with the French (love the taste, hate the calories). Last year, US/ French relations were in hot water over President Chirac’s stance on Iraq. Now it looks like France, the country of baguettes and jaunty berets, of haute couture and ridiculous mustaches may bring the White House to boiling point. By a wide margin, the French National Assembly voted February to ban Muslim headscarves and other religious symbols from public schools. This “Islamophobia” just might be the excuse President Bush needs to launch an attack on his archenemy, Monsieur Chirac. Let’s face it; Operation Iraqi Freedom hasn’t developed into the best photo opportunity for the Bush administration. We’re still waiting to see those illusory bouquets of flowers showered on our troops. (Haven’t the Iraqis discovered 1-800-Flowers.com yet?) Bush’s fragile approval rating may be boosted by a massive military invasion of France, cunningly disguised as a humanitarian mission to renew headscarf wearing freedoms to Muslim schoolgirls. Now that would show the French who’s really King of the World. New military invasions often shore up incumbents (where is your flag?) and just imagine the kudos he’d get in the Muslim world. Hey, there may even be a Nobel Peace Prize in the offing! Interestingly, standard Christian crosses were excluded from the ban provided they are not of a “manifestly excessive dimension.” More than four out of five French people are Roman Catholic; how much you wanna bet that crosses will be loosely controlled? OK, that’s fine Pierre, so long as you don’t trip over your cross on the way to class… Luc Ferry, the minister of national education, said that bandannas and excessive hairiness might also be banned from public schools if they are considered religious. Excessive hairiness? You gotta be joking! What’s next, the armpit police? Excusez-moi, Monsieur Ferry, pourquoi stop there,? Why don’t you extend the ban to cleanse the country of all other things you find distasteful: like Buddhas, Krishnas, Shivas and plastic troll dolls with fuzzy hair. What about garish Hawaiian shirts, paintings of cheesy sunsets over the ocean and velvet Elvises? Hey, maybe you should ban Nike sneakers and Disney logos from all public places while you’re at it? You could well argue Disney’s culture is just as zealous as any religion. It’s global evangelizing has been a huge success, n’est pas? You say that the ban will rescue headscarf-clad schoolgirls from oppression, but Monsieur Ferry, but what about their freedom to choose? How would you like your jaunty beret and fetching cravat forcibly removed? But I have an even more pressing question: Where the heck were you, when I was a kid in Scotland and forced to wear itchy wooly hats to public school? Couldn’t you, and your fellow headwear controllers have intervened? Oh, the torture I had to bear all winter long. And everyone who has ever visited Scotland will attest to the fact that winter lasts about 11 months, 3 weeks, and 6 days. Brrrrrr! This week, the French Senate passed the draft legislation. Au secours! Help! It’s going to be battle stations. So if you have a hankering for tasty French truffles and Chateauneuf du Pap, you’d better start stock piling. Any day now, stage one of the “Phase Out France” campaign will commence…a complete embargo on all French produce. If that doesn’t have Chirac and his followers handing out free Christian Dior headscarves at every public school in France, George Bush will be forced to call Rottweiler Rumsfeld to heel and launch stage two. Coming soon to an Eye Witness News Station near you, just in time for Election Day: Operation Headscarf. About the author: Alison R. G. van Diggelen is editor of siliconmom.com and a columnist for Silicon Valley Biz Ink, the voice of the valley economy. Alison welcomes comments at siliconmom.com © siliconmom
