Holiday rituals nurture
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Holiday Rituals Nurture the Family Soul By Denise Roy Today my 10-year-old niece, Christine, called to tell me that she has designed a new holiday ritual that she’s named “The Nine Days of Thanksgiving.” She borrowed elements from Advent and Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Thanksgiving, and wove them together to create something new. Here’s the way Christine described it to me: Nine days before Thanksgiving, put a menorah in the center of the kitchen table, placing brightly colored candles in each holder. Each candle represents an area of life (Talents, Love, Holidays & Birthdays, State/Country/Planet, Flowers & Plants, Animals, Communication methods, Home, Everything). At dinnertime, light the first candle, and then go around the table and have each member of the family name one or two things that they are most grateful for in that category. (She told me, for example, on the Flower night, she would give thanks for the Golden Poppy.) Continue to light a candle every night until Thanksgiving. I love the idea of this. I also love the fact that Christine used her imagination to create a meaningful, memorable ritual. WHY DO FAMILY RITUAL? Family rituals and traditions do wonderful things for our children—and for us. When we celebrate life moments together—from family dinners to bedtime rituals to holiday celebrations—we create lasting memories, give children a sense of security, strengthen ties to the past, and deepen a sense of belonging. Research is showing that there are long-term psychological benefits from rituals. If we grow up in a family with strong traditions and rituals, we’re more likely to be resilient as adults, more able to navigate change. And the benefits aren’t just for our kids. One study found that couples that participate in religious holiday rituals such as decorating a Christmas tree or lighting candles are actually making their marriages stronger. CHOOSING FAMILY RITUALS In the past, rituals were much more likely to happen automatically through community and religion. In our modern day life, with families often separated from relatives or no longer connected with their childhood faith traditions, we may need to establish new rituals and traditions. A good place to begin is by thinking about traditions or rituals that were meaningful to you as a child. Which ones nurtured your spirit? Is there a way to continue those rituals, or adapt them to your family now? Ask your children and spouse what they love best about the traditions and rituals your family does, and make sure you are focusing on what is most meaningful to everyone. Think of rituals as “sacred pauses,” and keep them simple. Light a candle, sing a song, say grace before meals. Such things slow us down, and bring us into present moment. It is only when we are living in the present moment that we see that ordinary acts are filled with mystery and wonder. We discover that the connection and the celebration, the mystery and the miracle, are right in front of us. It’s easy to feel driven during the holidays and out of touch with the nurturing aspects of these days. It’s important that we not give in to the temptation to think it’s all too much work. Fostering family rituals makes holidays—and every day—more meaningful for everyone. Taking time for rituals is worth the effort. In middle of your holiday celebrations, look around and smile. Recognize that even in the midst of noise and chaos, this is a wonderful moment. Don’t let extraordinary moments pass you by. No matter which traditions and rituals your family celebrates—the Nine Days of Thanksgiving, the Twelve Days of Christmas, the days of Ramadan or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa—know that you are nurturing your family’s soul. About the author: Denise Roy is a mother of four (ages seven to twenty-one), a psychotherapist, and the author of My Monastery Is a Minivan: 35 Stories from a Real Life (2001). She is also the founder of FamilySpirit, and gives seminars on Family Rituals, Parenting, and Finding Balance in our Busy Lives. You can read more about her work on her website, www.familyspirit.com (where you can also sign up for her monthly email newsletter). Denise and her family live in the Bay Area, where she spends a good deal of time in her minivan. © siliconmom
