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Motherhood & Friendship

Motherhood and Friendship By Amy Berger The other night I was doing one of my most favorite things in the world: gabbing on the telephone with my twin sister, Andrea. We got to talking about the friendships in our lives and she innocently asked me, "So who is your favorite person to hang out with these days?" "Me!" I yelled into the phone and we both chuckled. Life has certainly changed since I became a Mom 20 short months ago, and the nature and quality of relationships with my women friends is no exception. Prior to mommy hood my world revolved around 'my women' as I used to call them. Yes, my husband came first in a broad sense (and always will in some ways) but my women friends kept me whole. Each time I'd run off to lunch, a hike or dinner with one of my buddies, John would call out "the standard?" Translated, his question meant, "Will you be gone the standard three hours required to talk with (fill in the blank)?" I'd throw my purse in the car, lean over the top of the driver's side door and nod vociferously as I blew him a goodbye kiss. Sometimes my girl talk time ran into a five-hour segment peppered with cell phone calls back to hubby regarding my status. I'd come home exhausted yet energized, thanking the Goddess for these women with whom I could laugh, cry, exchange thoughtful gifts, be understood, tell the truth. Women who genuinely cared about my happiness and I about theirs. My fortieth birthday party was a peak experience---a celebration of self and friendship with lots of pink, presents and pretty women all around me. I wore a wreath of miniature magenta roses around my head all day----a gift sent to me from a dear woman friend living in Washington, D.C. We laughed, ate and spent the day dreaming aloud. The day was close to perfection, whatever that is. I thought these women would be in my life forever. Today, at forty-five, if I exchange emails with a third of them, I'm lucky. In those few minutes before I drift off to sleep I often think of each of my women friends, smile and wish them well. That's the most I can do these days so it will have to do. My connection with many of those same friends feels like the strand of a spider's web, where it once resembled a military-caliber rope used in tug-of-war exercises. One friend whom I love dearly has never met my daughter. Was it really her career change which kept her 'too busy' to stop by, or the fact she doesn't have children and can't relate to my life anymore? Another loved one is so busy with her sick mother and troubled daughter that pinning her down to a phone conversation is nearly impossible. Two months ago a relatively new friend I thought I'd have for life decided to end our friendship because my truth telling became unbearable for her. A loss and a disappointment, but I understood. I have high standards for my women I call true friends and not everyone choose to ride the rapids. On the flip side, I am joyously connecting with new women 'friends' and finding some lovely surprises. My friend Barb (name changed) was an acquaintance from my writers support group. Recently our relationship has deepened because we share the experience of motherhood and we love to talk about our kids. Another gal, Tammy, came to my house to sell me Mary Kay Cosmetics when I lived in the San Francisco Bay Area. Our daughters played together on our family room Berber carpet while I sat squarely in my high-backed wooden kitchen-chair, drank peppermint tea and immersed myself in myself for just a short while. It was heavenly and now Tammy and I have developed a telephone friendship that goes well beyond lipstick and moisturizers. The telephone keeps me connected with friends, new and old, near and far. I bless Ma Belle daily. She is often my lifeline when I need to hear a familiar voice. My dear friend Jody and I chatted last week over the telephone. Jody anxiously awaits motherhood someday and I love being one of her mentors in that department. "If my husband is busy with work several nights per week, will I feel lonely spending my days and nights alone with our baby?" Jody recently asked me. This question is near and dear to my heart since I often think about how interesting life can be when you spend 95% of your time with one other person who is under two years of age. It isn't really loneliness per se, but rather alone-ness and it can be kind of nice. Yes, of course I have Zoe for company but when she's playing by herself, or napping or inhaling her favorite TV show Barney, I am very much alone. With my thoughts, with God, with the quiet circle of other full time Moms in the world, many of whom I'll never meet. It's a feeling of unspoken camaraderie and it's lovely. Plus, "I really enjoy my own company," I explained to Jody. I also suggested that if she, too, is at a place in life where she feels some sense of personal peace and professional accomplishment she'll fare just fine. All this being said, however, I don't I always prefer the solitary-Mom experience. In fact, a 30 minute phone chat with a gal pal far surpasses one of life's sweetest gifts: a blueberry cheesecake ice-cream cone from Baskin-Robbins. Because, when push comes to shove, an ice cream cone is a fleeting pleasure. My friendships, equally delicious, can last much longer. -------------------------------------------------------- Amy Berger is a full time Mom and very part time writer living in Reseda, California.

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