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Best of Spam!

NEW MEDICINES FOR WOMEN - a perfect siliconmom spam.
Again the spam of the month comes from London - is it that Monty Python thing or what?

Feb 2002:

The control panel. You knew there had to be one, and here it is ...

Sick of all those "Inspirational" posters, with their sappy words and photos? We guarantee you'll have a great chortle at www.despair.com. Click on Demotivators (top left)
Here's a taster:
Strife: as long as we have each other, we'll never run out of problems...
Sacrifice: Your role may be small, but if you're willing to give it your all, you just might bring success to those who outlast you

Sent to us by Don Fuchs of New Jersey. Thanks Don!

Send us your entries, only the finest quality PLEASE. Don't spam us!



	NEW MEDICINES FOR WOMEN ST. MOM'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. E m p t y N e s t r o g e n Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P e p t o b i m b o Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. D u m e r o l When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. Causing enjoyment of country western music. F l i p i t o r Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. A n t i b o y o t i c s When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. M e n i c i l l i n Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person .... can we get naked now?" B u y a g r a Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-One-all When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. J a c k A s s p i r i n Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. A n t i-t a l k s i d e n t A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. S e x c e d r i n More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. R a g a m e t When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. And the best: D a m i t o l Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

	Submitted from London, England, from where, apparently, you can also lose money on Wall Street. THE FOLLOWING IS PROVIDED TO HELP YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOUR FINANCIAL PORTFOLIO (OR WHAT'S LEFT OF IT) . . . BULL MARKET A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. BEAR MARKET A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance-,the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. MOMENTUM INVESTING The fine art of buying high and selling low. VALUE INVESTING The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes. MARKET CORRECTION The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS 2000 What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house. PROFIT Religious guy who talks to God.

	Submitted by Merry Tourtelot, of Seattle, Washington. (originally from the annual Washington Post contest for alternate word definitions) 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. 13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. 14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

	Mom's Dictionary submitted by Janet Hedley of Silicon Valley AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas. TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: able to whine in words WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house... WEEKEND: when Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

	ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA & SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL Submitted by Ronna Nemer of California. Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs Beijing -- Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than "that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of" in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool." THE AXIS PANDEMIC International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable. With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

	The Real Women's Way submitted by Colleen Kirker, of San Jose, California -Martha's Way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. Martha's Way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. The Real Women's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to five years. Martha's Way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you. Martha's Way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up". The Real Women's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damned bad. Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes." Martha's Way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. The Real Women's Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff. Martha's Way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. The Real Women's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust - so I don't do it. Martha's Way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. The Real Women's Way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now BLIND! Martha's Way #9: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. The Real Women's Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it. And finally the most important tip: Martha's way #10: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine??????

	Rejection reply letter Dear Hiring Manager, Thank you for your letter of September 20. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite your companies' outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants. Sincerely, Your newest best employee

	From Californian mom, Colleen Kirker By a child: When you thought I wasn't looking� I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life. When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't. When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me good night and I felt loved and safe. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry. When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

	Before I was a Mom from Wanda Hillsbery, Silicon Valley, California Before I was a Mom I made and ate hot meals. I had unstained clothing. I had quiet conversations on the phone. Before I was a Mom I slept as late as I wanted And never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday. Before I was a Mom I had never been puked on... Pooped on... Spit on... Chewed on... Peed on... Or pinched by tiny fingers. Before I was a Mom I had complete control of my mind My thoughts... My body... And my money. I slept all night Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child So that doctors could do tests Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. Before I was a Mom I never felt my heart break into a million pieces When I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom. Before I was a Mom I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom. Send this to someone who you think is or has a special MOM.

	Survivor III from Karen Suchecka, Johannesburg, South Africa "Mark Burnett the producer of the popular show "Survivor" plans to enlist 12 men for the Survivor III series. The men will be dropped in an unidentified suburb with a van and 6 children. Each child plays two sports and each takes music lessons or attends dance class. The children attend three schools with three different drop-off and pick-up times. Contestants will have no access to fast food. They must keep the house, clean, assist with all homework, complete one science project, cook and do laundry. They have access to television only when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. None of the TV's have remotes. The competition consists of such things as: --PTA meetings --Cleaning up vomit at 3 AM, 3:15 AM, 3:30 AM, 3:45 AM and dry heaves at 5:00 AM. --Make a model Native American hut out of 6 toothpicks, a tortilla chip and a marker. --Get a 4 year old to eat his or her vegetables. --Take a night class and arrange for trustworthy childcare. --Lose 10 pounds by fitting in an aerobic class. They will be allowed to organize one night out for themselves but they must plan 2 weeks in advance and find a sitter. The kids get to vote them off at tribal council. The winner gets to go back to his real job." My prediction is that none of them will survive.

	SIGNS YOU LIVE IN THE 21st CENTURY (AKA SILICON ERA) from Deborah Gale, London, England 1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three 3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it. 12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. 13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 20. You disconnect from the internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee. 22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. 23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 24. You're reading this. 25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else