siliconmom.com

home

What I would do differently

If I could do be mom all over again By Carolyn McDonald November, 2001 Introduction by Alison van Diggelen: In the first installment of a two-part story, grandmother Carolyn McDonald gives a candid response to my question, “What would you do differently if you got to raise your kids all over again?” I well remember the misery of having 2 small boys 20 months apart who totally took over my life and controlled me like a puppet. I also remember the absolute joy of holding them, watching their development, and laughing with them. But I was overwhelmed. The stress on my marriage was enormous, and I operated with no plan, no method of dealing with small children. So here are the things I think are important in raising a child, with great emphasis on establishing healthy patterns while they are very small people: 1. I'd ask for more help from my family and friends. I adored my children as much as anyone and today we are still happy when around each other, but I should have asked for help. Being an exhausted "I can do everything myself" parent doesn't add value to the child's life. If you don't have family in the area, or they are less than helpful, call on friends or a paid sitter for some relief. 2. There was the huge chunk I messed up by not being smart enough to know that the most important thing next to love and cuddles is to establish credibility with one's child. I'm not talking about newborns, but I am talking about almost any toddler! You tell them to do something, and they don't, there's simply got to be a consequence. If you can't come up with a consequence, then don't issue the command! If you can't bear to do what you said you would do if they didn't do what you said they must do, then don't even bother to start on this doomed mission! Kids are more than smart -they have memories like some kind of dog on a bone. Even those who can't yet speak. And if you can't mean what you say with a small child, what do you think you are going to do when they are teenagers? Case study: Grandma says to 33 month-old boy: Let's go get you dressed for bed so I can read you some stories.... OK, Grandma. He then proceeds to thrash, kick and roll his body so that I can't change him. Laughing all the while (him, not me!) Well, I know better, but he had me. His father came in and said, Trevor, you can let Grandma change you and have books, or not. He continued to thrash so I said, "OK, see you later". I went to the sofa and a minute or two later, a contrite child came out with his pajamas wadded up in his hand and said "Grandma would you please put on my pajamas?" All was smooth as we then read a few books and he went easily to bed. 3. Learn to discipline them while the stakes are small. As hard as this is, it will never be this easy again. As a Grandma, I find it incredibly easy to behave in an appropriate manner. Why was it so hard when I was younger, healthier, fitter, thinner, sexier, etc. etc.? Exhaustion? Emotional conflict with my spouse? Not being disciplined enough? Depression? Or did I just need some parenting skills? 4. Third, don't give kids sugar at home. I actually did this one right and I my kids are great eaters of everything! And in their 30's they have never been too heavy. Refined sugar deceives the appetite. All the trite things you hear about empty calories, fat children, hyper children, etc. are true. Keep sugar out of your baby/toddler/child's life until at least age 5 and you will have a child who eats what he/she needs, no more. You never have to worry about what they eat - let them have binges on bananas, fetishes for fishsticks, cravings for cottage cheese. Doesn't matter as long as they are following their body's true metabolic commands. Add sugar, your child's food choices change. Having said this, I realize it is almost impossible in this day of constant exposure to poor food, and working moms who almost have to rely on prepared or fast foods. But whatever you can do to lean this way will help. And if you don't have the junk under your child's own roof, at least he will eat better at home. Desserts? Who needs them. Try living with just your meal and managing your child may become easier. Unless dessert is fruit, of course. (Back off on juices - even natural juices are loaded with sugars.) 5. Remember that you are the adult. It frightens a child if he can control the parent. Be in charge - be gentle and kind, but be in charge. If you get emotionally entangled over an issue with your child, back off. Give him two choices about the issue; then you regain control and he gets a feeling of control for making a choice. 6. Remember that babies and toddlers are learning language, emotional nuance, and body language long before they can speak. Respect them from the start. Don't say ugly things to them or to your spouse that they may feel are directed at them. 7. To put #6 positively, respect your spouse/partner. Kids absorb this like sponges. 8. If you take care of the above items, having a fun and loving relationship with your child is easier. About the author: Carolyn McDonald is President of her own company, Navtech Seminars & GPS Supply, and a grandmother. She lives in Alexandria, Virginia.

home